I cannot attack people in my dreams.
Sometimes I wish I could, to feel the crunch, thud, or slap of impact from my fist, elbow, knee, leg, foot, to their body. In waking life I rarely wish to feel this—I said rarely, not never. I figured I'd be able to satisfy such a perverse... desire?... in the ultimate privacy of my dreams, but even then, I am denied. Even in my dreams, I am denied.
Sometimes I'm being mugged, and when I move to kick, my leg goes weak, like I cannot contract my muscles and make them move to defend myself.
Sometimes the one person who I really, really want to hit is standing right in front of me, unmoving, and just inches before my fist makes contact with his face, some force, some unseen pressure slows my hand and renders it completely useless, my enemy unharmed.
Sometimes I'm being taken away, and the longer I flail and scream the more tired I become, the more unable I am to call out for help, as though several pairs of invisible hands are pressing down upon my mouth, arms, hands, throat.
It's hard enough to stay contained in waking life, hard enough to control the boiling of blood as it courses relentlessly in fits of rage. I figured I'd be able to do my worst, be my worst, in the ultimate privacy of my sleeping life, in my dreams.
But even then I am denied.
Even in my dreams, I am denied.