Sunday, October 26, 2008

Recurring Dreams

I cannot attack people in my dreams.

Sometimes I wish I could, to feel the crunch, thud, or slap of impact from my fist, elbow, knee, leg, foot, to their body. In waking life I rarely wish to feel this—I said rarely, not never. I figured I'd be able to satisfy such a perverse... desire?... in the ultimate privacy of my dreams, but even then, I am denied. Even in my dreams, I am denied.

Sometimes I'm being mugged, and when I move to kick, my leg goes weak, like I cannot contract my muscles and make them move to defend myself.
Sometimes the one person who I really, really want to hit is standing right in front of me, unmoving, and just inches before my fist makes contact with his face, some force, some unseen pressure slows my hand and renders it completely useless, my enemy unharmed.
Sometimes I'm being taken away, and the longer I flail and scream the more tired I become, the more unable I am to call out for help, as though several pairs of invisible hands are pressing down upon my mouth, arms, hands, throat.

It's hard enough to stay contained in waking life, hard enough to control the boiling of blood as it courses relentlessly in fits of rage. I figured I'd be able to do my worst, be my worst, in the ultimate privacy of my sleeping life, in my dreams.

But even then I am denied.
Even in my dreams, I am denied.


Lauren Ashley said...

that line really gets to me... I kind of know what you mean.

Whenever I run in my dreams, from anything, it always feels like my entire body is locked up, and the ground is jello, rapidly decreasing my chances of getting anywhere. And the more scared I get, the softer the ground gets, and the harder it is to move my legs fast... it's weird.

Russkitai said...

I don't know. It says something about how much conscious effort you have in your dreams though, I just go with the jellyfish flow in mine.

I love dreams. I hope you write yours down.