Monday, March 29, 2010

Back to Sans Raison again

I think I've tried a little too hard to make this blog "something," be it a hub for impressive, opinion+analysis type articles or daily sketches. When José told me that he doesn't see the point in broadcasting personal diary-like entries on online blogs, that it was kind of self-important, I got a little bit self conscious and didn't want to do it. I also read a lot of blogs every day and I like their specialization, so I've always tried to do the same. Right now, I really don't care. I don't care who reads this, I'm writing this for myself.

I have failed to do my daily sketches. Once you've skipped enough days, it becomes all too easy to keep forgetting. I let my classes and projects take over, I said yes to more gigs than I should have, and I honestly do not have the time management to handle it all. I always thought that biting off more than I could chew would eventually help me swallow it, but I end up reverting back to the good ol' habit of procrastination.

I have a rather endless cycle of perfectionism+procrastination: I want it to be the best it can be the very first time, so I don't start until I'm sure I can do it. Then I don't.

I recently read in a blog that it's okay to be 'good enough,' especially the first time. Because if it's just mediocre at first, then at least you have time to make it better. If you just let it fester in your head 'til the last minute, it'll come out mediocre anyway, but by then it'll be your final draft. I don't know why it's so hard for me to practice this.

On the Future

José is graduating soon, and seeing him prepare himself for his future is making me think about mine. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do. I could go to graduate school, I could join the Peace Corps, the military, I could do an entry-level job at some small time graphics design company, I could go travelling, the possibilities really are endless. I could stay here and keep living with my parents—God I hope not. I'd love to be out there on my own for once.

I'm also still doubting my choice in career. It's not as strong as before, but sometimes I'll wonder if I should have done something else, especially when I find out that I could still be a pilot in the Air Force, or when my mechanical engineer friend says that the math isn't that bad and that it's mostly all physics. I know I'm thinking like my college education is the end of it all, but right now I feel so obligated to do something relevant to it, demonizing any other passions I may want to pursue. I'm so unsure. I don't even have a job. I don't quite feel good enough in graphic design yet, and if this perfectionism+procrastination thing keeps going, I never will be.

This song pretty much describes how I feel:

I just feel like my situation is going to last for a while: college student, worrying only about my grades, getting money from parents and what few gigs I could land, living at home, having fun with friends. I'm graduating in a year. Things are going to change, and I don't want to be the one left in the dust of my own future. I want things to change, but I'm afraid of it. I'm not ready, and I'm scared that I never will be.

Anyway, I don't know if there's anybody out there who may care, but to you few, I'm sorry that I haven't posted my sketches. It's totally not enough to say that I haven't been "feeling it," but the truth is, I haven't. One of these days I'll haul my ass up hard enough to muster up a crappy little some-some.

One of these days.

1 comment:

Jenny said...

Do you know how alike we are?
You can find words similar to these in my journal.
I'm glad somebody else experiences what you call "perfectionism+procrastination"
We are just an oxymoron.