Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Stream of Consciousness?

D&D collab with Kelly, book art for both Lauren and Heidi's NaNoWriMo novels, collabs galore on hitRECord, gettin' into the scene with ¡Vaya! zine, workin' with clients, Foppish Gentlemen comic calling me from the corner of the room... all in addition to advertising assignments (we're on headlines now), the double-band ring for metals (and the first project I still need to finish), the book-a-week grind of bookmaking class and passively studying for art history and business. As if I didn't already have enough to do, right?

There is a sort of comfort in being busy with things other than school... I feel like I have a life. My past dictates that I'll take these and shove them aside, allowing them to give me the temporary ego boost I need to not fall into the "I'm worthless as an artist" phase again. That new show Raising Hope is on. I'm not even watching it and it's distracting me. I can't even stay focused on this blog post. Where was I going with this?

I would say, look at me, I have all this stuff to do! I'm so proud of myself, I'm worth something! And then I'll do virtually nothing about it. I talk about it more than I do it. That's how it's been in the past and that's what I think about now, when I look at my growing projects list with a grin and a nod. But I really want to do these things, now. I want physical manifestations of my excitement for these things. It's all about time management and I know it. After this post I'm going to go brainstorm my next book project. Goal: finish it at least 2 days before it's due!

I can't remember when I decided not to go for the BFA Graphic Design program. Did I ever decide at all? I think my parents didn't want me to... why spend such a long time in school? You won't be under your scholarship anymore, etc etc. That didn't stop the others. Did I ever want it? Seeing my peers apply—Rendell, Hasan, Chris, Rachel, Mark—makes me want to apply, too. I feel like I'm missing out on a camaraderie that only comes with being accepted into the BFA Graphic Design program. See how important that sounds? The BFA Graphic Design program. There's a disappointed look on their faces when I tell them that I'm not applying. "Why not?" "I think you'd make it!" "How come?" "So you're just getting the BA?" Yes, I am just getting the BA. What can I tell them? My parents didn't let me and I just never questioned that?

Either way, I never felt ready. I wouldn't be ready now or next year. It's better this way. I tell everybody that I want to start working, to build up experience so that I can apply to a graduate program in the future. This is true. But a part of me wants to be right there with them, slaving away over portfolio projects and bonding over coffee (that I don't drink) and late nights in the lab, complaining about how this design didn't work and how nervous we all are and what we think the teachers will say about our work. But maybe I'm romanticizing.

I don't know how to end this. The post has been slightly melancholy, but I'm fine, really. I'm not tearing myself apart over my poor time management or not going for the BFA. These are just things I've been thinking about, and I want to keep them here, possibly look back on them.

I'm rambling.